ʟᴏʀᴅ, I am not worthy...

After spending an entire year without attending mass in 2024, I’ve gone to a few in quick succession recently. First I went to a Pope Francis memorial mass with Celene, and then a little later my eight year old sister’s first communion over at my childhood parish. I cried a few times, they were pretty great.

The long break has let me see the mass with fresh eyes, as it were. And as a person with chronic self-worth issues, one part that stood out to me is the whole “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof” line. Or like, thematically, the whole emphasis on humans as sinful and fallen? Like, oof, I like to be more of a radical-forgiveness we’re-all-God’s-beloved-children girlie.

But putting aside the “enter under my roof” thing being interpreted as metaphorically referring to consumption of the Eucharist, it is also taken literally very much a sentiment I can relate to. My apartment is a horrible mess most of the time! I rarely feel worthy that anyone should enter under my roof, whether they’re Jesus or not.

But also, like, most of the time when people end up coming over it’s nice. I assume most of my friends have had messy homes from time to time and at least basically understand. (And, I mean, I do usually get at least some basic cleaning done…)

And the next line in the mass, of course, is “But only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” The inclination for me in the past was certainly to see that as a profession that Jesus has… special Jesus healing powers… or something… but as I’ve tried to find things to appreciate in Christianity from the weird syncretic place I've ended up, I’ve started trying to see things in a more human light.

So instead of some sort of weird fundamental unworthiness as a human that Jesus forgives with inaccessible God magic, I’m seeing that line in the mass as more like… “hey, I’m not perfect, but if you just tell me you’re happy to be here I can be comfortable with it too and enjoy your presence instead of getting hung up on my own flaws.” Or something along those lines.

And I just like that sort of way of looking at it a lot better.